Understanding
by csiAngel
Summary: Workforce additional scene. "I would understand... if you are sorry that I showed up."


Title: Understanding

Author: csiAngel

Rating: K+

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Voyager

Summary: "I would understand… if you are sorry that I showed up"

Season: additional scene for 7.17 Workforce, part II. Canon-compliant. Sort of*.

A/N: Just a little scene that nagged at me during my rewatch. Apologies if it resembles any other post-ep out there. I know it differs from the ones I have come across, but I also know that I haven't read them all.

… … …

Kathryn's mind was just wandering away from the book she was trying to read – trying to distract herself with – when the door chime sounded. She drew her thoughts back to the present moment and called out permission to enter.

Her lips curved automatically into a small smile when the door opened to reveal Chakotay. She was surprised it had taken him this long to stop by.

"Commander," she greeted him, "Come on in."

"Am I disturbing you?"

"Not at all."

She pushed her blanket to one side and rose from her chair, dropping the book back onto it as she did so. "Tea?" she offered.

"Thank you."

As she crossed to the replicator she invited Chakotay to have a seat. She could tell he was still feeling uneasy, that he still wasn't convinced that everything was back to normal. She needed to make this visit as normal as possible.

When she turned with their drinks, he had taken a seat beneath the viewport. She handed him his tea and sat down beside him.

"I'm fine," she told him before he could ask.

He responded with a small laugh and looked down at his drink. Kathryn smiled at his profile then turned her gaze to the stars as she gave him time to determine how to articulate whatever else he had come here to say. He seemed to be finding the adjustment more difficult than she was.

Eventually he moved in the corner of her vision and she felt his eyes on her. "I just wanted to let you know that I would understand… It would be okay if you are sorry that I showed up."

She turned to face him, her eyes seeking his so she could tell him, earnestly, "I'm not."

"Not even a little?"

She shook her head but maintained their eye contact. "It wasn't real."

"But it felt real… It can't be easy to… forget."

"I won't ever forget," she told him, deadly serious, because she knew she wouldn't, "But this is who I am. This is where I'm supposed to be."

Chakotay nodded but she could still see concern swirling in his dark eyes; he still wasn't convinced that this life wasn't coming in second. He held her gaze in silence and she wondered how she was ever going to assure him.

When he next spoke his voice was just above a whisper. "You were so happy."

Her heart gave a jolt – not because of the feeling she couldn't help but recall, but because of the devastation that darkened Chakotay's features as he spoke.

"… I almost -… I didn't want to have to tell you. I didn't want to have to take that away."

She had thought the difficult part of their rescue would have been convincing them of the truth. She hadn't considered that he might have hesitated.

"You considered leaving me there?"

He smiled, sadly. "I've always sworn that I'd do whatever I could to make you happy."

Kathryn swallowed the lump that arose in her throat. "Letting me live out the rest of my days on a distant planet, with altered memories, would be taking that a little far."

"It was a fleeting consideration."

They shared a smile.

"Do I seem unhappy here?"

He appeared to give that some thought before he replied, "You seem… burdened here."

"Is that your polite way of saying 'miserable'?" she quipped, and was pleased to see that this time his smile reached his eyes.

"Not at all… You were just so… free down there. No responsibility, no… guilt… I couldn't help but wonder if - … "

"If what?" she prompted when he stopped. She needed to know where his thoughts had taken him if she had any hope of resolving this.

"If that's what you were like before Voyager."

He looked unbearably sad. As if he were carrying the weight of having ruined her life.

"I like to think I haven't lost that side of me completely, Commander… This life is just… different. I do have responsibilities. I do still harbour some guilt." When he opened his mouth to speak, she continued, "I know you think I shouldn't… But that's just how it is. This is my life… This is where I should be. This is where I _want_ to be… Chakotay, I'm not sorry you showed up."

That didn't seem to make him feel any better. His eyes, still fixed on her, held more torment than he had probably ever seen in hers.

"You deserve to be loved, Kathryn."

There was no jealousy, no expectation. He was apologising because he had had no choice but to destroy what he must have seen as the only happiness she had had in years; potentially her only opportunity for happiness for decades.

Kathryn felt her guilt multiply. She had always known how he felt. And even though they could never act on it, it had filled her with happiness on even the darkest of days. _He_ made her happy every day. Evidently, she had done an excellent job of hiding that from him.

She reached across with her free hand and placed it tenderly on his arm, her thumb stroking gently, and for just a moment she allowed that hidden side of her into the light.

There were things that their circumstances still dictated must remain unspoken between them but, tilting her head, she smiled at him and at least admitted that she knew, "I am."

THE END

A/N: *I say sort of canon-compliant because I'd like to think if anything like this scene had taken place, there's no way Chakotay would have entered into a relationship with Seven!


End file.
